From Midwest to Mideast: EILAT OF ADVENTURE

We boarded the coach busses at 6:30am Friday morning bleary eyed but animated for our highly anticipated weekend trip to Eilat and the Negev desert. The itinerary called for hiking trips, boat excursions, sandy beaches, water sports, tax-free shopping and ample free time with name-that-tune infused luxury coach transportation. The Big Cat, Inadequate Dan, and yours truly (Dj Juicebox) had a ball creating the musical playlist and games for the bus rides, to the pleasure of 90s music lovers and the displeasure of our Israeli bus driver. But before we could kick off the festivities, we were pulled over by the Police. Conscience of his previous transgressions and run-ins with the law, and the suspension of his license, our driver feared the worst and put the pedal to the metal as we made a break for it. Just Kidding. But we did get pulled over.

Apparently, it is a state law in Israel that even on busses, everyone must have a seatbelt on. If you have ever been on a coach bus before, you know that no one in their right mind wears a seatbelt. They aren't even mandatory on school busses. But nonetheless, the policeman ordered us to click it or ticket. Not a great story.. is it? You were waiting for something not so anticlimactic, weren't you? It's ok. The comedy of this story is in the irony of it all. If you have been to Israel, particularly in Tel Aviv, you know that the traffic and driving habits of residents are insane. The streets of Tel Aviv feel like you are in a racing video game with realistic graphics. No one uses signals, motorcycles weave in and out of traffic for sport, and there is a constant cacophony of horns, yells, and screeching tires at every intersection. In any given taxi ride, the driver commits a series of ticket-able offenses and there is little if any regard for what the police are doing. Simply put, traffic laws are either not enforced or not respected. Israelis such as Iliya comment to me how everyone in the U.S. "drives like bitches" for lack of a better term (ok.. there was probably a better term there.) So for our tour bus, with "Oranim" printed conspicuously on the front and back of the busses to get pulled over for a seat belt violation struck me as odd.

Cop: Pullover! Pullover!
Driver: No, it's a Cardigan, but thanks for noticing!

Our first destination was Big Makhtesh in the Negev, a range of rocks which overlooked a large valley. We climbed a rather steep slope until we reached the top. The views were incredible, and I was sure to capture the usual litany of cliche photo tricks which you can enjoy below.

Like Momma always says: "You can pick your friends. You can pick your nose. But you can't pick your friend's nose."

Just after I scaled the 2000 foot rock face with my bare hands and feet.

Proof that years of ninja training weren't just "a waste of time"

It was all fun, games, laughter and hilarities until Hashem decided to smite my sunglasses with a fierce and fearsome gust of wind. Whether unlucky or divine intervention in the form of a gale-force gust of God's breath, my hat was whipped off my bag so hard that it crashed into my face and annihilated the frame of my 20-shekel ($6) sunglasses. No big deal.. except that its the desert. Hiking in the desert of Israel is like performing surgery blindfolded. For the duration of the hike, I was Mr. Squints.

Following a much-needed Ice cream cone at the completion of our strenuous hike, we got back on the bus and headed for Eilat

Upon Arrival, we opened the door to room 308 at the C hotel just minutes from the beach and featuring an awe-inspiring view of the parking lot below. The video captures the excitement better than words.

Welcome to Eilat

We spent the day and night exploring the beaches, clubs, and bars of Eilat to see the best the city had to offer.

For shabbat (saturday), we had the majority of the day free to have our own adventures. We headed down the beach and with the help of a fluent speaker, we negotiated to go tubing behind a speedboat on the red sea for 30 minutes for the bargain price of 60 shekels (~$17). These were no ordinary tubes. They hold 3 people instead of the usual 1, and they run two at one time which means 6 people in close contact being pulled at appox. 30mph. Ben says 60mph, but he's an idiot. We quickly grew bored of "just tubing" so we upped the stakes by attempting to switch rafts, stand up, and pull off other shenanigans and hootenanny.

Not enough regular sized life jackets.

Makin the jump

Seconds before the other raft flipped on top of ours.

For Saturday night, Oranim arranged for us to all go on a huge party boat which travelled up and down the coast lines between Jordan and Israel while we all partied and danced. Everyone showcased their unique dancing styles, and I exhibited my go-to move of a twist-like maneuver with my fingers pointing outwards, twist-and-shout style. I call it the "twist like move with my fingers pointing outward." Although the move is perfected, the name might need a tweak. Naturally, the ladies wooed and the gentleman attempted but failed to emulate. Hey, it's my blog, I get to dictate how the story went.

But the real fun came at the conclusion of the booze cruise. Eilat has a bit of a carnival atmosphere to it, and one thrill ride featured here is called the slingshot. Essentially, it's exactly what it sounds like. A large ball holding 2 participants is connected to two large light-emblazoned polls that reach miles (yards) into the sky. Springs are charged, and the safety is cut loose launching the participants into the air and then back to earth in a bungee-like fashion. For the faint of heart or the curious passerby, there is a large screen which has a feed from the camera on board the flying apparatus. Great for spectators, possibly embarrassing for the participants.

Now if you know me, then you know I'm afraid of heights. My attempt to conquer this fear when I was 18 with a skydiving trip didn't vanquish my anxiety about height, but I still try to push myself. So I chose to pony up the 60 shekels ($17) with my tall chef buddy Aaron to give it a "shot" (hooray wordplay!). Most of our program's participants were present to watch those who were brave enough, and after a few rounds it was Aaron and my turn. As soon as I got into the ride I felt my stomach in my adam's apple and my pace quicken to a morse-code like rhythm. Despite my knowledge of my face being broadcasted to the masses below, I lost complete control of my emotions and let out a scream of terror as we were launched into the air. When it finally came to rest, I exited the flying death trap and was greeted by people laughing. At me. It wasn't until they showed me pictures of what I looked like that I realized how horrified I really was.

White knuckling fun!

Thankfully, I lived to tell my story about it. Still afraid of heights.

Instead of spending any more shekels at a bar or club, we roamed the streets of Eilat and were fortunate enough to find a personal transportation system (shopping cart).

Not an action photo. Girls suck at pushing heavy things.

Sunday morning we concluded our trip with a hike to the mountains of Eilat, overlooking Israel, Jordan, Egypt, and with Saudi Arabia in the distance. It was the perfect way to wrap up an unbelievable trip. I'll leave you with some photos of the hike, shenanigans at rest stops, and a couple examples of terrible translations.

Shalom Aleichem!