From Midwest to Mideast: February 2011

We boarded the coach busses at 6:30am Friday morning bleary eyed but animated for our highly anticipated weekend trip to Eilat and the Negev desert. The itinerary called for hiking trips, boat excursions, sandy beaches, water sports, tax-free shopping and ample free time with name-that-tune infused luxury coach transportation. The Big Cat, Inadequate Dan, and yours truly (Dj Juicebox) had a ball creating the musical playlist and games for the bus rides, to the pleasure of 90s music lovers and the displeasure of our Israeli bus driver. But before we could kick off the festivities, we were pulled over by the Police. Conscience of his previous transgressions and run-ins with the law, and the suspension of his license, our driver feared the worst and put the pedal to the metal as we made a break for it. Just Kidding. But we did get pulled over.

Apparently, it is a state law in Israel that even on busses, everyone must have a seatbelt on. If you have ever been on a coach bus before, you know that no one in their right mind wears a seatbelt. They aren't even mandatory on school busses. But nonetheless, the policeman ordered us to click it or ticket. Not a great story.. is it? You were waiting for something not so anticlimactic, weren't you? It's ok. The comedy of this story is in the irony of it all. If you have been to Israel, particularly in Tel Aviv, you know that the traffic and driving habits of residents are insane. The streets of Tel Aviv feel like you are in a racing video game with realistic graphics. No one uses signals, motorcycles weave in and out of traffic for sport, and there is a constant cacophony of horns, yells, and screeching tires at every intersection. In any given taxi ride, the driver commits a series of ticket-able offenses and there is little if any regard for what the police are doing. Simply put, traffic laws are either not enforced or not respected. Israelis such as Iliya comment to me how everyone in the U.S. "drives like bitches" for lack of a better term (ok.. there was probably a better term there.) So for our tour bus, with "Oranim" printed conspicuously on the front and back of the busses to get pulled over for a seat belt violation struck me as odd.

Cop: Pullover! Pullover!
Driver: No, it's a Cardigan, but thanks for noticing!

Our first destination was Big Makhtesh in the Negev, a range of rocks which overlooked a large valley. We climbed a rather steep slope until we reached the top. The views were incredible, and I was sure to capture the usual litany of cliche photo tricks which you can enjoy below.

Like Momma always says: "You can pick your friends. You can pick your nose. But you can't pick your friend's nose."

Just after I scaled the 2000 foot rock face with my bare hands and feet.

Proof that years of ninja training weren't just "a waste of time"

It was all fun, games, laughter and hilarities until Hashem decided to smite my sunglasses with a fierce and fearsome gust of wind. Whether unlucky or divine intervention in the form of a gale-force gust of God's breath, my hat was whipped off my bag so hard that it crashed into my face and annihilated the frame of my 20-shekel ($6) sunglasses. No big deal.. except that its the desert. Hiking in the desert of Israel is like performing surgery blindfolded. For the duration of the hike, I was Mr. Squints.

Following a much-needed Ice cream cone at the completion of our strenuous hike, we got back on the bus and headed for Eilat

Upon Arrival, we opened the door to room 308 at the C hotel just minutes from the beach and featuring an awe-inspiring view of the parking lot below. The video captures the excitement better than words.

Welcome to Eilat

We spent the day and night exploring the beaches, clubs, and bars of Eilat to see the best the city had to offer.

For shabbat (saturday), we had the majority of the day free to have our own adventures. We headed down the beach and with the help of a fluent speaker, we negotiated to go tubing behind a speedboat on the red sea for 30 minutes for the bargain price of 60 shekels (~$17). These were no ordinary tubes. They hold 3 people instead of the usual 1, and they run two at one time which means 6 people in close contact being pulled at appox. 30mph. Ben says 60mph, but he's an idiot. We quickly grew bored of "just tubing" so we upped the stakes by attempting to switch rafts, stand up, and pull off other shenanigans and hootenanny.

Not enough regular sized life jackets.

Makin the jump

Seconds before the other raft flipped on top of ours.

For Saturday night, Oranim arranged for us to all go on a huge party boat which travelled up and down the coast lines between Jordan and Israel while we all partied and danced. Everyone showcased their unique dancing styles, and I exhibited my go-to move of a twist-like maneuver with my fingers pointing outwards, twist-and-shout style. I call it the "twist like move with my fingers pointing outward." Although the move is perfected, the name might need a tweak. Naturally, the ladies wooed and the gentleman attempted but failed to emulate. Hey, it's my blog, I get to dictate how the story went.

But the real fun came at the conclusion of the booze cruise. Eilat has a bit of a carnival atmosphere to it, and one thrill ride featured here is called the slingshot. Essentially, it's exactly what it sounds like. A large ball holding 2 participants is connected to two large light-emblazoned polls that reach miles (yards) into the sky. Springs are charged, and the safety is cut loose launching the participants into the air and then back to earth in a bungee-like fashion. For the faint of heart or the curious passerby, there is a large screen which has a feed from the camera on board the flying apparatus. Great for spectators, possibly embarrassing for the participants.

Now if you know me, then you know I'm afraid of heights. My attempt to conquer this fear when I was 18 with a skydiving trip didn't vanquish my anxiety about height, but I still try to push myself. So I chose to pony up the 60 shekels ($17) with my tall chef buddy Aaron to give it a "shot" (hooray wordplay!). Most of our program's participants were present to watch those who were brave enough, and after a few rounds it was Aaron and my turn. As soon as I got into the ride I felt my stomach in my adam's apple and my pace quicken to a morse-code like rhythm. Despite my knowledge of my face being broadcasted to the masses below, I lost complete control of my emotions and let out a scream of terror as we were launched into the air. When it finally came to rest, I exited the flying death trap and was greeted by people laughing. At me. It wasn't until they showed me pictures of what I looked like that I realized how horrified I really was.

White knuckling fun!

Thankfully, I lived to tell my story about it. Still afraid of heights.

Instead of spending any more shekels at a bar or club, we roamed the streets of Eilat and were fortunate enough to find a personal transportation system (shopping cart).

Not an action photo. Girls suck at pushing heavy things.

Sunday morning we concluded our trip with a hike to the mountains of Eilat, overlooking Israel, Jordan, Egypt, and with Saudi Arabia in the distance. It was the perfect way to wrap up an unbelievable trip. I'll leave you with some photos of the hike, shenanigans at rest stops, and a couple examples of terrible translations.

Shalom Aleichem!

Taking it all in.

Mountains of Jordan in the distance.

"Burger quickly" would have been more precise

Asian money exchange? Joke in poor taste?

Jesse was quickly able to master the mount.

First timer here folks

A Cow-boy. Get it?

Milk does a body good.

Crane game. For kids. Full of Cigarettes. Welcome to Israel.

Terrible photo timing..or perfect?

Until next time..

Confessions of a part time volunteer english teacher:

While at school, I primarily have been working with students who are below their grade level or those whom lack confidence in their speaking, reading, or writing ability. Generally, the kids I work with are able to communicate enough in english to allow me to help them, and as soon as I teach them something in english, they teach me the same phrase or vocab in Hebrew. While kids attempting and failing to speak or write in proper english is no laughing matter, I sometimes can't help but laugh. I try not to laugh in their faces, but sometimes I laugh in their faces. Let me give you an example:

I was working with a group of 8th graders last week, and Jonatan (pronounced yo-no-tan) was trying to read aloud to a group of four students and myself. Jonatan isn't the most..gifted when it comes to the idiosyncrasies and nuances of the english language. But he does have charisma and confidence when it comes to using what he (thinks he) knows. After he mispronounced a simple word, I corrected him and gave him the meaning in english. Usually as a tool to empower the students as teachers, and more selfishly to learn the language, I asked him what the word was in Hebrew. He told me in Hebrew, and an instant and easy smile came across his face as he clearly enjoyed his ephemeral role as a teacher. Using what could definitely by classified as an outside voice, he exclaimed:

"Da-veed!! You learn me English and I learn you Hebrew!"

I bursted out laughing. And then apologized for laughing at him. Now Jonatan knows the difference between "teach" and "learn".

5th graders are the youngest kids I work with, and are consequently the most challenging for me to teach. They also provide the comic relief for my day.. unintentionally.

2 weeks ago, I was working with two 5th graders on telling time in english. In the middle of our lesson, Noga got my attention and shyly said to me "I have P". Confused, I said "what"? and she stood up and said, loudly this time, "I am P! I am P!". She began a dance that all parents and adults are familiar with. The unmistakable "I have to Pee" dance that all kids.. and some adults.. engage in. Now she knows how to say "I have to Pee" or "I need to pee." Important stuff here.

Then there's Nadav and Ayala, who can only read english out loud and not in their heads. Especially problematic/hilarious on test days when they continue to read out loud but in a quiet whisper.

Then there's Eitan, who will only engage in conversation with me in english if it's about Ipods. That's all he wants to talk about. He insisted...nay--demanded that I know everyone in class who had an ipod. He has ipod touch! He only has Ipod classic! He has no ipod! Day-veed you have Ipod? How many songs? What color? etc.

Then there's Noa who ALWAYS has boogers visible. I tell her to get a kleenex, and she comes back still with boogers. I often have to divert my eyes from her face to stay focused and to avoid gagging. Not my favorite student to work with.

Then there's Omri. My boy Omri is the man. He's one of those kids that is wise beyond his years without even knowing it. I work with him one-on-one so I have gotten a chance to know him quite well. His english is great, but his confidence is low so I try boost his ego while improving his vocabulary. He is a master at getting me off-topic, and for him, off-topic means talking sports and women. (told you he was wise beyond years) He loves to bitch about his older sister (something I can relate to), especially her obsession with her cell phone, mirror, and irregular and often volatile mood swings. He said to me a while back: "Day-veed.. girls need 3 things only: a ma'ara, a cell phone, and clothes." (read in a Hebrew accent with lots of "ehhhh's" in between words). After looking in my dictionary to figure out what a ma'ara was (a mirror), I had to agree with him. Sharp kid.

I have also gotten the chance to learn some vocabulary that I undoubtedly would not have learned from Ulpan. Here is a small sampling:
**Grandparent discretion advised**

L'hafliytz= To fart
Pin= Penis
Jinji= Redhead
Me'fager= Retarded
Cusid= Sexy lady
Tz'itziym= Boobs

For a while the kids, particularly the 9th graders, said whatever they wanted in front of me because I didn't have a clue what they were saying. But now I know some keywords to look out for, and I think they regret teaching me a few things cause they have lost their complete freedom around me when it comes to making fun of others.

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We recently went to Casearea with Oranim, although the weather was shitty and I had been there before. We also traveled to Haifa and hiked in the Carmel mountains. Pictures Below.

Last night Ben "Big Cat" Teitelbaum and myself, DJ Juicebox, hosted an Oranim welcome party for new participants. The event was at a nightclub called Lima Lima. The theme was Peace & Love, in honor of Valentines Day (called Love Day in Israel) and Bob Marley's Birthday (Jews love their reggae). We were asked to host the event and to bring some extra flair to the party.. so that's what we did. I'll post pictures when I get them. Long story short, Ben was wearing just a diaper for a respectable but uncomfortable rendition of Cupid in mortal form. My get-up was slightly more modest, but I wore plenty of hippy gear to accent my unique Jamaican dialect.

There ended up being far more people there than I had imagined, and Ben and I MC'd a dance competition, told some jokes, and I spoke with my now perfected Jamaican accent to welcome all the Oranim groups present. The dance competition was especially hilarious. People were bustin' out the worm, the sprinkler, the moonwalk, etc. You name a terrible dance move, it was performed in our competition. Using an applause meter (my right arm), the crowd voted for the winner. My roommatebro Inadequate Dan came home with 2nd place, earning himself a free drink. All attempts by Dan to say he got first or tied should be denied to avoid the inflation of his ego. You were second best.

We had everyone on Oranim who spoke a different language come up and say welcome to the new group in their native tongue. We had delegates come on stage speaking Russian, Ukranian, Portuguese, French, Spanish, Hindi, and even Apache. After we were able to ween ourselves away from the addicting powers of the microphone, an incredible reggae band came on stage and everyone got to dancin'... until I was kicked out. (Gasp for dramatic effect!)

Remember my story about the Hamburglars? Well one of the criminals on the loose is Michael, who gets sticky fingers once he's had a few drinks. Thus far, his thievery has been quite petty but frequent. A Baraka here, some burger sauce there. A few patties of meat, a case of water, etc. Last night his target was a free beer. His initial steal was successful, but everyone knows the getaway is the most important part. Mike grabbed a large Goldstar from behind the bar and attempted to pour it into a glass bottle to avoid detection. Unfortunately for him, he was being watched. He poured out the beer into his mug, and handed me the empty bottle for just a second. All the sudden, a bouncer grabbed his arm, and told Mike he had to leave. NOW. The bouncer looked at me, looked down at the empty Goldstar bottle in my hand, and looked back at my eyes. "Wrongfully accused" I protested. It was a "this isn't what it looks like" situation. He told me to leave the bar immediately. I had been wrongly arrested, caught red handed with an empty Goldstar bottle. We asked to speak to the manager, as I mentally prepared my opening statement, what witnesses I would call upon, and my appeal for freedom.

Thankfully, I was never able to offer my defense, as the DJ vouched that I had stolen nothing and it was solely the Hamburglar himself who had done the deed. My savior. My justice-bearer. I was let back in the bar, but Mike's fate was sealed. Or was it?

An hour later, I turn around to see Mike dancing with a girl behind me. He met my confused but excited face with a grin and proudly boasted that he had been able to sneak back in.. and best of all he was able to drink the beer he stole in the first place. The Hamburglar strikes again! Shopkeepers, pastry sellers, meat grillers, and bartenders beware.

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To my readers: Thanks for following my blog. I've gotten great feedback and will try to post more often.

Tomorrow I head to Bethlehem, which is in the West Bank. Exciting stuff. I plan to post about my experience tomorrow, which is sure to be interesting.

Cheers, Mon!